5 Ways Co-Parents Can Build Hope in Their Children

By Dr. Matisa Wilbon, Co-Chair, Moynihan Institute for Fatherhood Research and Policy

When we’re talking about our children, hope can be life-saving.

We’re living in a time when we hear more and more about young people struggling with depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and even suicide. And as parents, that should get our attention.

But here’s something else we have to talk about.

In some families and some communities, suicide and mental health are still taboo subjects.

Some of us were raised to keep family business in the house. Some were taught to pray about it and keep going. And sometimes, when a child is talking about being depressed, overwhelmed, or not wanting to be here, we think they’re being dramatic or looking for attention.

But silence isn’t safety. Our children need to know they can tell us the truth. Even the hard truth. Even the uncomfortable truth. Even the truth that scares us. Our children need to know there’s nothing they can say that will make us stop loving them, listening to them, or helping them.

Healthy co-parenting is crucial to instilling this comfort and confidence. 

Co-Parenting Maturity

When parents are no longer together, children manage more than we realize. They may be moving between two homes, dealing with two sets of rules, feeling tension between their parents, and adjusting to new relationships, schedules, and expectations. And sometimes, they’re carrying things they don’t even have the words for.

This is where Co-Parenting Maturity™ comes in.

Co-Parenting Maturity™ requires us to move away from personal validation (“What do I need from the other parent?”) and ask, instead, “What does our child need from both of us in order to feel safe, supported, connected, and hopeful?” That’s the central question.

5 Ways Co-Parents Can Build Hope in Their Children

1. Let your child know they belong.

Your child should never feel like they have to choose between parents. They shouldn’t have to

• Feel guilty for loving both of you
• Carry messages
• Report back what’s happening in the other home
• Manage adult emotions.

They’re the child. Let them be the child. Even when they don’t agree, co-parents need to remain child-centered. No matter what’s going on between the adults, the child still needs to hear:

• You’re loved.
• You belong.
• You don’t have to fix this.
• You’re not responsible for what’s happening.

2. Ask the harder questions.

Sometimes we ask our children, “How was school?” and think we’ve checked in, but sometimes it’s important to go deeper:

• How are you really doing?
• What’s been hard lately?
• What’s been making you feel overwhelmed?
• Is there anything you’re afraid to tell me?
• Do you ever feel like things aren’t going to get better?

And then we need to listen. Don’t rush to correct them. Don’t immediately tell them what they should be grateful for. Don’t compare their life to what you went through.

And don’t assume that because you think they’re strong, they’re okay. Sometimes strong people are tired, too. Our children need space to tell us what’s really going on.

3. Stop making children carry adult conflict.

Children can feel tension even when we think we’re hiding it. They hear tone, notice distance, and know when something is wrong. 

And if we’re not careful, they can begin to believe they’re responsible for keeping everybody okay. They’re not. We have to be intentional about keeping adult problems with adults. This means:

• We don’t use the child as the messenger.
• We don’t talk badly about the other parent to them.
• We don’t make them choose sides.
• We don’t ask them questions that put them in the middle.

Instead, we create emotional safety by letting them know, 

• “Your mom and I are working through some things, but you don’t have to carry that.”
• “Your dad and I may disagree, but we both love you.”
• “This isn’t your problem to solve.”

4. Help them see a future.

Hope is about tomorrow. It’s about helping a young person believe that this moment isn’t the whole story. 

And we help our children see good things ahead by:

• Talking to them about what they want to do
• Asking what/who they want to become
• Asking them where they want to go
• Encouraging them to think about what excites them
• Telling them what gifts we see in them
• Pointing out the possibilities in front of them

Sometimes our children are so overwhelmed by what they’re feeling right now they can’t see beyond the moment. So we help them see farther. We remind them that this season won’t last forever, that there are people they haven’t met yet, places they haven’t been yet, and things they haven’t accomplished yet. We help them see that there’s still so much more life ahead.

5. Take hopelessness seriously.

This is important. 

If your child says they don’t want to be here, believe them enough to ask more questions. If they say everyone would be better off without them, don’t brush it off. And if they start withdrawing, shutting down, or talking like there’s no future, pay attention.

Don’t call them dramatic. Don’t punish them for telling the truth. Don’t turn it into an argument between co-parents. And don’t let pride keep you from getting help.

This is where the safety-led part of our Co-Parenting Maturity™ model becomes critical.

When a child’s safety is at stake, everything else becomes secondary. It’s no longer about who’s right. It’s no longer about who has custody that day. It’s no longer about who caused what.

The question becomes: “What does our child need right now?” And then we do that. Together, if possible. Separately, if necessary. But we do it.

That’s maturity.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to come together and make sure they know that no matter how hard today feels, tomorrow is still worth reaching for. Sometimes offering this hope sounds very simple:

• “This is hard, but you’re not going through it alone.”
• “You made a mistake, but your mistake isn’t who you are.”
• “You can tell me the truth.”
• “We may not have all the answers, but we’ll find help.”
• “You’re loved.”
• “You matter.”
• “There’s still more for you.”

Our children don’t need perfect parents; they need parents who are paying attention, willing to listen, and open to change. They need parents who can put their own conflict aside long enough to ask, “What does my child need from me right now?”

That’s Co-Parenting Maturity™.

If You or a Young Person Needs Help

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, emotional distress, or a mental health crisis in the United States, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Support is available 24 hours a day.

If someone is in immediate danger or has made a suicide attempt, call 911 or seek emergency medical care.

Parents and caregivers can also reach out to a pediatrician, licensed mental health professional, school counselor, or another trusted healthcare provider if they’re concerned about a young person’s emotional or mental health.