Suppressing and Expressing the Agonizing Pain of Father Impact

BY KENNETH BRASWELL (www.kennethbraswell.com) (Repost from 2010)

I watched Orpah today as she remembered and paid tribute to Michael Jackson. Many of the aspects of her tribute touched me; yet, none more than the segment where they talked about Joe Jackson; Michael’s father. The segment was agonizing for me; because through his experience; I saw mine. His uncomfortable stance made me uncomfortable; because like him, I don’t know how to departmentalize my feelings for my father.

When Michael spoke of him, you could not help but cry out; both inside and out for him. I did; in fact I dropped tears for the both of us. His life was riveting in and of itself; yet add on the element of his personal struggles and his success becomes even more intriguing. Often times we get caught up in the oddities of celebrity life. Their life styles at times seem different and out of reach. Then there are times when the normalcy of their lives emerges for all of us to see and interpret. Michael’s life reiterates that fatherlessness/father dysfunction is an overwhelming problem in our communities. We also see that the impact of inadequate father presence can be just a devastating to a child as father absence.

When my father died; I buried a man I hardly new. That event and situation I can never reconcile. But in reflection of Michael’s life; in particular; I have to ask myself the question; “what must it be like to simultaneously have the same man be equally responsible for both your success and pain?” Oprah asked the question; “whether or not he was angry at his father (Joe);” he paused. For that very moment, I pondered about the same pause I make before talking about my father. I saw in Michael’s eyes a lifetime of experiences pass through his mind. His response; Yes! I felt the relief in his voice as he embraced the courage to express his own manhood by communicating his disappointment in his father. However, he immediately gave the power back by ending; “please don’t be mad at me.” Thus, I saw and felt the contradictions, struggles, conflicts and confusion a father’s impact can permanently have on your psyche. A man who in his own words, “he still wanted to know.”

I don’t know where I’m going with this conversation; other than to know, I’m filled with a tremendous amount of emotion after seeing that reflection. I had to find a way to release it; and crying and writing is my way.

Over the past several years I’ve listened to the stories of thousands of men. Each story has impacted my life in a way that both infuriates and motivates me simultaneously. I’ve also personally had the chance to talk to people like Kirk Franklin, John Amos and Daryl Strawberry; who all shared with me varying degrees of father impact. Our Hip Hop music is laced with painful stories for father absence from Jay-Z to Tupac, from LL Cool Jay to Biggie. These high profile stories only re-emphasize and highlight the limitless boundaries of fatherlessness and negative father involvement.

Lastly, we watched the tormented life and tragic death of Gary Coleman. People forget the dysfunctional relationship he had with both his parents. Without question, it had a horrible impact on his life and contributed to his inability to trust people. Just when I think I don’t have any more tears to give; I hear or see a story that squeezes me for more. However, I know this about myself. When I talk, it’s God speaking through me. When I cry; it’s God speaking to me.

I pray that I never lose the ability to be empathic to another man, woman or child’s fatherless experience. I also pray that GOD continues to use my life as a tool to elevate the conversation of father absence and that I never back down on emphasizing the critical importance of active, involved, committed and responsible fatherhood.

THANKS FOR LISTENING and may GOD BLESS the spirits of both Michael Jackson and Gary Coleman and prayerfully they are enjoying the relationship with the Ultimate and Heavenly Father!