Snow Blindness: Black Men/White Women – Fo Real!?

by Kenneth Braswell

Have you ever been in a conversation, thinking you have a sense of what you’re talking about, and the other person is looking at you saying “what the hell is he smoking?” I had such an experience the other day talking to a friend about whether Black Men (BM) have garnered some privilege as a result of knowing that they outnumber  Black Women (BW), and are therefore  a premium. It is true, I accept, that BW outnumber BM on college campuses and, true, that BM far outnumber any other ethnicity in prisons. It is true that BW have lost a fair amount of BM to homosexuality, AIDS, Black on black crime, and disproportionately high rates of illness. It is true that, BW have continued to climb the socio-economic ladder at a faster rate than BM, and BM lag behind all other populations, despite having “equal opportunity”. Still I find to hard to wrap my mind around this mass exodus of privileged Black Men from women of their own race to white women.

I pride myself on being observant, being in “the know”, and having a certain level of awareness, but by some anomaly, I’ve totally missed that black men have been increasingly dating (and marrying) white women right beneath my nose. Apparently I have on distorted lenses that have blinded me to this phenomenon, or so I’ve been told. Now, I MUST investigate!

So, I’m talking with my brother on the phone the other day and though quickly; “oh snap” he’s married to a white woman. Now I’m the first to say that there is nothing wrong with that, if indeed the relationship is as a result of the circumstantial finding of love where you find it. However, I remembered back to when he told me that he dated white women – and why he said that he did it.  It was something about not having to put up with their attitude and bulls@#t. Then, on my way to work the other day, I was talking to the bus driver. He was a brother (translation: Black man), who is happily married to a sister (Black woman) and he loves her to death. Without provocation, he offered up that he was concerned about the number of his friends who are dating white women. As I walked from the bus stop to my job I conducted a mental examination of the relationships of my friends. What I found was that, while many of my Black friends were married to or dating sisters, there were a significant number married to, or dating, white women.

I’m wondering now, maybe I have been living under a rock; and there is some validity to the argument that Black Women are losing all their Black Men to White Women. Being a Black Man who loves my Black women, I gotta stand up for my brothers; cause this can’t be true; I can’t give in yet. I MUST investigate more!

As I surfed the web, although I came across several sites, I was intrigued by this blog: http://www.interracialdatingcentral.com/blog/. At that site, scores of people are engaged in the conversation about interracial dating and marriage. So much so, that after reading so much of it, I became upset at myself for trying to prove something that doesn’t matter. At least not to me, but I’m sure that there are many Black Women that will say; it does matter. Does it? Really?  

I do believe that there was a time that the Forbidden Fruit Factor (FFF) had some relevance for Black Men. But if you subscribe to that, you would have to recognize that for many black men in slavery, a certain level of mental and emotional satisfaction could be had for a black man if he could conquer a white woman. However, that was hundreds of years ago. Today we are just as disconnected socially from the motivation of the FFF as we are from cavemen who dragged their women around by their hair. Yet, we (BM) apparently still find male validation by clinging to excuses that sound more like BM just simply not loving themselves enough to love black women. 

So, who is counting? Why does this issue constitute a bone of contention between Black Men/Black Women, Black Women/White Women and Black Men/White Men? Why would this issue impact someone’s goal of finding the perfect man? One that can’t be found in their own race to satisfy their martial/relationship desires? I’m not sure, but obviously, I’ve been living very naively in this issue. Part of it is that it has never been part of my thought process to specifically look for a woman of a particular race or ethnicity. Even though in my youth, I briefly wanted to marry a Puerto Rican Girl from the Bronx – I would hope that, if it had happened; it would have been about HER not about her ethnicity.  To me other than that brief fixation, it never matter. I was going to be open to whomever God intended for me to be with – whether she was Black, White, Green or polka dot. Incidentally, I did find my Queen and she happens to be Black (as far as I can see. I gotta check the back of the neck later J). Anyway, for my brothers, I do think that there are some things that you may want to think about before you open your mouth about racial dating preferences:

1.  Be Comfortable with the Skin You’re In! – If you are a brother hell bent on finding a white woman because you believe white women are better, or you don’t want to deal with a black woman’s perceived attitudes, you should check your comfort level with the skin you’re in. We chastise Black Women all the time for having unrealistically high standards for BM, yet we put as many pre-conditions on relationships as they do.  Another thing. Ask yourself, when you are in these other-race relationships, are you comfortable being your true authentic self, or do you put on the façade of the Black man that you think that they want you to be – or that is acceptable to her friends and family? Do you notice that you act one way around members of that race, and then act “brotha” around your own? If love is true, it will find “you” and you won’t have to put limitations on it before it does. Keep your options open, your standards within reason, and your expectations high. You should be ok, no matter what color she is.
   
2. Every Culture Has Some Crazy Members! – This whole notion that our sistas have so much attitude that we (Black Men) can’t deal with it, is crazy. Have we become that weak that we would rather run from being accountable than face the places where we could use some loving correction? Is it truly sometimes that she is totally off-base, or that we just can’t stand to hear it?  Listen, I’ve dated my share of other cultures whose attitude was just as challenging. That’s a cop-out brothers; MAN-UP! Beneath that strong exterior of a Black Women for the most part is a soft, gentle, caring, and often cautious woman, whose life experiences (with black men) have caused them to be protective of their emotions, their possessions, their children, and their hearts.  While it is not fair that we have to pay for the sins of the brothers that did them wrong, it is easy to understand why they sometimes act the way that they do. They did not get that way over night. If you have ever been abusive, or unfaithful, or unreliable in a relationship, remember that some guy has also been held accountable for YOUR actions. If you have been that way in THIS relationship, don’t act like she is being unreasonable when she is suspicious. It might take some time (and some patience), but your persistence may well be worth the effort. Of course, we all have our limits about what we can endure.
   
3. Sweep Around Your Own Front Door! – Before you try to sweep around hers, own up to your stuff. You need to take responsibility for, and reconcile, your own past. Don’t allow your own baggage to be an excuse not to want to deal with theirs.
   
4. It’s A Black Man Thang, but They Might Understand – I know, “they just don’t understand you”. With all the things that we’ve had to put up with being Black Men, we just don’t want to have to deal with one more person’s mess. I think they do understand; at least the good ones. However, we’ve all gone through alot. We get it for being Black Men, they get it for being Black and for being Women. So the question is, “Do we understand what our women have gone through?” I can’t understand the hurt, but I must imagine that it must be difficult and painful for Black Women to watch women of other cultures who have abundant numbers of men within their own culture – and within ours. Sometimes we as Men, just have to take a moment to simply; understand! Black women have historically had to be fierce protectors of their families, fierce allies for their men, and providers when racism made it impossible for Black Men to provide for their families financially, or simply with their presence.  It seems a little disingenuous now for us to say that their fierceness is an undesirable trait.
   
5. Challenge her Belief, but Prove Your Worthiness – As I stated before, she may be way off based. And the fact that she is hard on BM, may have nothing to do with you. It wouldn’t be a bad piece of information for you to have, to ask and get an understanding as to why; she feels the way she does. What a wonderful thing to occur, if you learned that you just might be the man to prove she no longer has anything to worry about. Consider the possibility that you can be the Knight in shining armor or the King of her dreams. However, you have to commit to holding yourself accountable against the agitation of her pain and the healing of her wounds. Be the mighty Black Man that you are; destine to build kingdoms, rule nations and raise princes and princesses with the right Black Queen by your side.