(Repost 2009) On Wednesday I was having one of the worst mental days of my life. It was one of those days where the world seems to be against you. You’re fighting the negative thoughts in your head and the war seems to be overwhelming. In fact, it is one of those days that will force you to define your character. The feeling is as if your desires and reality are converging like old cars at one of those back woods demolition car derbies. It is in the face of this kind of adversity that you feel the pressure of life squeeze the hope right out of your heart. Your face firmly against the wall and the immovable force of life is squarely in your back; you can feel the desperation of the moment.
I’ve been reading Terrie Williams’s book, “Black Pain” over the last few days trying to understand what’s happening with my mind while my life if feeling so out of control. You see, when you are lost, you look for something familiar, something that gives you a sense of settlement. For men, a reason to justify the weakness we feel in the helplessness of overcoming the fear of the unknown. William’s notes in her book that during her depression she had two modes; “her game face and the numbed out shell of a woman who sat alone…”
Many of us have been here before. In fact, I have been here many times before. It’s a unfamiliar road of twists and turns, hills and valleys, dark spots and potholes. Lately, I have been “going through” like we often do. My elders in the south used that term to describe the act of dealing with life’s complications. Which is I guess why in testimony you will often hear them use the term, “I made it through,” a song also sung by the Canton Spirituals.
My problem today would come from the issues of finance, relationship, family, work and dreams that compose the landscape of my life. However, on this day, they would pose an overpowering challenge; one that would cause me to lose my physical strength, my ability to reason and my desire to overcome. The state I was in is called “depression.” As a Black man, I struggled writing this piece, because it meant I would have to: A) admit to it and B) do something about it. You should know I did both. But that’s not the story I want to tell.
On my way home that evening my car had a flat tire. It could have been a point of complete break down, but since I had done the things to deal with my issues during the day I was in a completely different state of mind as I stepped out the car to visually see that the tire was flat. I looked around to assess my situation, realized that I was on a dark road and I needed to be in a better lit location. So, I drove up a little ways on three good tires and pulled into a well lit driveway.
The driveway belonged to the school that my younger daughter attended some years ago for Pre-K and Kindergarten. The private school is part of the Christian church that operates it. As I opened the trunk to get the tools and spare tire, a gentlemen pulled up next to me to ask if I needed assistance. Before I knew it another gentleman pulled over and several people slowed to ask if we needed additional help. If you’re wondering the church was letting out for Bible Study. Angels were everywhere. We got the tire on, I thank them and we all continued on our journey.
It was no coincidence that the helplessness of the day, lead me to the driveway of that church. It was no coincidence because GOD’s plan for you is no coincidence, mistake or accident. It’s purposeful. I don’t know what the lesson was that evening for bible study, nor does it matter. Those men did what Jesus would do. Help a man in need. Although they assisted in placing my car back on the road, they repaired much more. It was my spirit and faith in need of repair that evening. I needed to see that GOD is in control. As a result of HIS intervention, life doesn’t seem so overwhelming and I realize that depression doesn’t mean or represent the end, but an opportunity to see a beginning.
If your road is bumpy, it may be an indication that you need to pull off and assess your damage. Take comfort in knowing that if you trust in him, he will provide you with what you need. Fortunately for me, it was just insight and affirmation. 2 Chronicles 9:7 says, “Happy are thy men, and happy are these thy servants, which stand continually before thee, and hear thy wisdom.”
Listen to the sounds on the bumpy road of life. It’s not always a flat tire.